just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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