How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
