in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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