Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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