"it" just moved
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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