dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
