please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
