I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
