I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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