farters have to be the big spoon...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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