I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
