OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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