I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
