You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize