I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
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