This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
