I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
