That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
