your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
