I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
