I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
