I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
