i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
