Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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