Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
