How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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