I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Randomize
