listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
