Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
