so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
