So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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