I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
