you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
