There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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