i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
