forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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