He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
