apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
