When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
