he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
