i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
