did you get engaged???
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize