Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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