I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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