Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
