The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
