We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
