i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
