I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
