Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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