I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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