It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
