based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
