He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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