Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
