Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
