Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
