My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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