Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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