in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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