Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
